An Honest Prayer

I have recently found myself in a difficult stage in life. It is not so much that I have found myself so to speak. Rather, I have been honest with the dark places of doubt that have filled many areas of my heart. It has not been easy, because it means that I must admit that I am not who everyone expects me to be. To be honest would be to admit that I do not have as much faith as need to have, or that those around expect me to have.

We do this to ourselves. Within so many areas of Christianity we have not allowed room for honesty. We all walk around giving off the appearance of a "super-Christian". Thus, everyone who sees to act then believes that you are a great figure of faith. Maybe a modern Abraham figure. All this takes place on the outside and like a lie we have to keep covering up our doubts out of fear that we will be discovered. We have created this culture of human exaltation to the point that we feel as if we cannot be honest about what is taking place on the inside. And if a brave soul out of desperation was to open up and say I have serious doubts about my faith, we tend to put on our pious hats and gasp at the lack of faith being displayed. After all, once you get saved is not that it? Everything is solid when it comes to faith?

I have found a community of believers that allows me to room, the patience, to friendship, and love to allow me to be open and honest, maybe honest for the first time with others, as well as, myself. I feel that there is a movement within the whole Christendom, that is returning back to a sense of community where this kind of honesty is welcomed. It crosses denominational lines, like any fresh movement of the Holy Spirit will do. And I thank God of it.

There are many areas of doubt that are in my heart. However, they can all be drawn back to the same source...God's love. I struggle with God's love for me. I do not feel worthy of such a love. I know you are saying well of course I am not worthy. The problem is that I feel so unworthy that I do not feel lovable, forgivable, desirable. Because I feel this way, it makes it difficult to allow someone to die on my behalf. Please, understand I know all of this and affirm it in my head. But I think my head is so think it has not made it to my heart. At least, to the depths of my heart.

I was delighted to discover a few days ago that I was not alone in my feeling. This is why I feel that we need so much honesty within the church, because for the first time, I did not feel alone which is HUGE in any situation of doubt. Oddly enough, I found myself to be in the company of John Wesley, the wonderful preacher, hymn writer, and founder of Methodism. To paraphrase the account that I read, Wesley went to a lecture and while at the lecture the lecturer was reading the Preface to Martin Luther's commentary of Paul's Letter to the Romans. Prior to that moment, he believed that Christ died for everyone present, but doubted that Christ died for Wesley as well. In that moment, he realized in his heart that he was forgiven and that Christ died in fact die for him. This is how I feel. However, unlike Wesley, I have yet to have the full assurance, at least on a daily basis.

I struggle with this, and it is exhausting. I taste and experience it at certain moments. I experience it while taking communion or reading passages such as the Suffering Servant in Isaiah 52-53. But it is only in those moments. They come and go. The assurance deep down is lacking.

Paul is quiet the rhetorician. Following the Christ hymn in Philippians 2 where Christ's obedience leads to His sacrificing of Himself upon a cross to do the work of redemption, Paul gives application in response and this is what he says: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now not only as in my presence, but much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. God's good pleasure is His glorification, which is most evident when we look like Christ in this world in thought, word, and deed.

I never truly noticed the paradox that is present is Paul's statement that we (plural) are supposed to work out our salvation with fear and trembling (which is what I am TRYING to do), but it is actually God who is working in me often against my will for His good pleasure, which is my being conformed to the image of His same. Paul is saying that I need to work, but it is actually God who is going to do the work.

So to bring this home. I need to continue to work on my doubts of the assurance of God's love for me. However, it is God, and only Him, who is going to work that out in me. The scary part is that I will probably never be fully assured because as long as I am breathing in this sinful flesh, there will always be doubt. It is not until the Resurrection that my entire being will know and experience the love of God.

So I am left with a journey that I cannot complete in this world. However, it is this journey of a Christian life that build for the Kingdom of God in this world before His return. I will have days when I struggle and feel as if I am not loved, but that is where grace comes in. And by grace through faith I will overcome. See that is where faith is truly put to the test. To have faith that I am loved with an everlasting love, as Jeremiah says, when I do not feel like it in the depths of my heart I am transformed by Christ. As a friend put it to me today, to not feel Christ's love or even to not believe Christ's love does not make it non-existent. God's love is real and true regardless of what I think about it. To have faith is to encounter grace. To have enough honesty to admit I am struggling, but I will have faith means that grace will be there to greet me with open arms, because it has always been there.

This leaves me with an honest prayer. It is a prayer that I am sure has been prayed throughout the ages. It comes from the father of the demon possessed child in Mark 9. The father brings the boy to the disciples to cast out the demon, but they cannot. So the man asks Jesus. Jesus responds to the man "All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief". This is my prayer. It is short, sweet, and to the point as they say, but radically effective and honest, which is what we need for transformation and freedom.

"Father I believe. Help my unbelief. Amen"