Emmaus, Eucharist, and Pentecost

Lately, I have been extremely sensitive to so many things, such as the wallpaper that is on my computer at the moment. It is a picture of my beautiful wife Elizabeth holding our amazing daughter Sophie giving her a mid-air kiss. It just puts a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. It is not because it is a good picture, though it is (Thanks mom). It is because when I look at it, my heart and mind are flooded with images and emotions of our journey in life together. I believe it is a gift from God. By "it" I mean every part of the image encompassing the love, joy, beauty, thankfulness, faithfulness, and promise.

The Holy Spirit is working in my heart. It is fitting since two Sundays ago, we celebrated Pentecost following the liturgical calendar. Pentecost is when the Holy Spirit descended on the masses in Acts 2. It is this falling and stirring of the Holy Spirit that seems to be happening within my heart more than ever before. This gift is one that I need to pay attention to. Teresa of Avila says that there are two things needed for spiritual formation: humility and self-knowledge. Frederick Buechner was once asked what advice he would give to a person seeking God. His emphatic answer: "Pay attention!".

I love to "listen". I love to connect the dots when it does not seem to be connectable on the surface. "Listening" is all about seeing how the subtle nuances that mold and shape us. It is catching a glimpse of the dance of the Holy Spirit. We may suppress the Holy Spirit's dance, but rest assured He is dancing. As much as I enjoy "listening" to others, I often do not stop to humbly put myself up to the microphone to hear what dance the Holy Spirit is inviting me into. Thus, I am seeking the courage to humbly step up to the microphone and pay attention to what I hear.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered to awesomeness of audio books on iTunes. Essentially, my job requires me to clean for eight hours a day. So I figured this would be a good time to catch up on some books that I have been wanting to read. I decided to purchase a book by N.T. Wright entitled the The Challenge of Jesus. Absolutely wonderful in terms of content. It was extremely informative and challenging. However, it was not until one of the concluding chapters that my heart broke. In a brilliant understanding, Wright gives a lens to read the story from Luke 24 concerning the disciples on the road to Emmaus. The lens that he suggests is Psalm 42-43, which were originally meant to be read as one Psalm. There are three sections with each section containing Psalmist's refrain "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God" (Psalm 42:5,11, 43:5). It is a Psalm of pain and confusion. It is trying desperately to cling to hope. But it is a hope that is only approached by faith.

This is precisely what the disciples on the road to Emmaus were experiencing. It would not be far fetched to believe that they could have been reciting this Psalm in there hearts. Luke does not tells us this detail, but it seems possible. Regardless, it does get to the heart of the story, does it not? The two disciples are heading home after giving up potentially years of there life to follow this Jewish Rabbi named Jesus who claimed to be the long awaited Messiah, or Christ. Now, these disciples do not appear to be part of the "12 disciples" but they were part of the crowd that regularly followed and served Jesus. Nonetheless, as they were attempting to make heads or tails of the events that took place, Jesus joins them. There eyes, however, were kept closed. God does this from time to time. He keeps our eyes closed so that we can walk by faith and not by sight. It is in the midst of their sadness, Jesus begins to explain to the two everything that Moses and the prophets and all the Scriptures had said concerning Him and how the Messiah must suffer, die, and be raised again.

What a picture. My soul connects with this. Jesus is laying it out the entire story, but in a blinded way. So many times Jesus is right in front of us explaining everything to us, but He is blinding us. Why? This is the place where faith is born. There is a reason for this and we must trust that. In the same way that Moses only got to see and experience the back of God's glory, we also are dependent on God knowing what is best for us to see with our eyes.

The story continues. These disciples urge this traveler to join them in a meal. Is it not interesting that the one leading the dinner is not the owner of the house? There is something about this man whom the two disciples have encountered that automatically demands submission, which consequently is the only response of faith. There is something about this meal as well. Luke tells us, "When he was at the table with them, he took bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to them. Then their eyes were opened, and they recognized him; and he vanished from there sight" (Luke 24:30-31).

Ahhhhh! There Jesus goes again. Once there eyes are open to see their master, He is gone. In many ways this is frustrating. This is what Jesus seems to do all the time in my life. In the Eucharist, I get to see my crucified and risen Lord. This encounter is the power of this great gift. Our hearts are lifted up, and we have been invited as members of a global family to come and take the bread and drink from the cup to meet Him again and again in a powerful way. And like the disciples that evening after a long day (or a long week in our case), we see Him in the breaking of the bread. The story holds true that when my eyes are open, I see Him just long enough to vanish.

There is a beauty behind this dashing encounter. The grace we encounter behind the gift brings us back for more, and that is a good thing. In that moment, I have heard it described as getting a look at God's glory from underneath the door. It changes us, yet still demands more of us in so many ways. Because like the disciples, we too describe our strange encounter with Jesus on the road as a burning within our hearts.

But why does Jesus decide to act in this manner? If I am to call myself His follower, then I must trust that what He decides to do is best. If He is our creator, then He knows us better than we do. This is difficult, because I want what I want on my terms. But I must learn to trust Him whether I like it or not. So I can trust and submit to Him or resist Him. I believe that faith grows in this same type of encounter as disciples that day. It is an encounter were we get a glimpse of who God is and what our calling is in terms how we are knit together to play a part in His story. This was true for Abraham and Moses.

For Job all it takes for His faith to be strengthened is for God to appear for a brief moment in his lifetime. Obviously God does speaks to Job, but it is not because Job has his questions answered. It is because Job sees God which allows Job to continue His journey.

For Thomas in the New Testament, it is not touching the nail scared hands or the pierced side that stirs Thomas to say "My Lord and my God". Even though Jesus offered, Thomas had no need to touch because His heart burned within Him and His faith responded in submission simply because He caught a glimpse of the risen Christ.

So if I am to be content with Jesus appearing at select moments, then I am not going to do to well in life. Honestly, this is where I have been most of my life if not all of it. There must be more to this Kingdom of God life. Jesus says, "Nevertheless I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away..." (John 16:7). Evidently, Jesus remaining on earth is not the best thing right now, so what can be better? Luckily Jesus gives us the answer, "Nevertheless I tell you the truth; it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you". According to Jesus the best thing for us is not for Him to be here, but for Him to go away and the Holy Spirit to come.

I must confess, that I do not understand the Holy Spirit. Growing up, it was not talked about very much other than the fact that I have it and it can be my guide. If it was mentioned in any other way, it was done negatively in terms of charismatic/pentecostal Christians. After all, I was told that I had to invite Jesus into my heart (which I am not putting down). But it is the Holy Spirit that is my comforter now. I have relationship with Jesus and the Father by means of the Holy Spirit. There is a triune aspect to salvation that I have never realized.

The writer, Luke, is a true artist when writing his Gospel and Acts of the Apostles. It is part one and part two. The Emmaus road story culminates with a meal. Thus far in Luke's account he mentions seven meals. This post resurrection meal in Luke 24 is significant. The Gospel writers are answering the questions of the Old Testament stories. Genesis 1-2:4 is a week of order and beauty and goodness. The way the opening story of Genesis goes, there is a "God" (plural in Hebrewe) who's "spirit" is hovering over the surface of the deep and a "word" is spoken bringing forth creation. This three-in-one God creates for six days and then rests on the seventh day. But the story reads as if the seventh day does not end. There is no refrain of "it was evening, it was morning" to the seventh day as in the others. The seventh day is when His creation breaks itself and rebells. The week started so well and turned dark so quickly.

But Luke has seven meals corresponding to each day of creation prior to the death and resurrection. In Luke 24, this is the eighth meal. It is a new week and things are not the same. The story has been changed. Curse is replaced with blessing. Darkness is shattered by light. New creation is breaking forth from within the old. There is a new Sheriff in town and we are all under His protection because we are "in Christ" and we were sealed because of the Holy Spirit.

Pentecost is Jesus saying, "let the celebration begin". Proclaim to everyone and every creature, as Paul writes, that Jesus is Lord. He is Lord because He let evil do its worst to Him and evil lost. SIn was done away with, Satan has been condemned, and the Kingdom of God is bursting forth. The evidence that Jesus is King is the Holy Spirit dancing within us. When we submit in faith, the Holy Spirit is our guide. It is how we meet our Lord until we see Him fully face to face when he will "gather all things up in him" (Eph. 1:10).

Until then, I must trust that the Holy Spirit is the right thing for me. I know that I am supposed to bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit's presence: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). Honestly, I am nervous to go deeper into this relationship. The relationship has already been established, so the Holy Spirit knows me, but I am not sure I know Him. It is like a woman developing amnesia after getting into an accident after 15 years of marriage. She awakes to see pictures, children, and a wedding ring, but has no memory. The relationship has always been there, but from the woman's perspective she must start from scratch. This is how I feel. I do not see the Holy Spirit's power as on the day of Pentecost because I do not trust. I have been seeking to understand the other two persons of the Trinity, which is completely by the Holy Spirit anyways, but not seeking to understand the relationship that I have with Him and how that relates to the Father and the Son.

Come, Holy Spirit, Our Souls Inspire is a ninth century hymn that seems to sum up a prayer for me and for all of us who are rediscovering our relationship with the Holy Spirit. It goes as follows:

Come, Holy Spirit, our souls inspire,

and lighten with celestial fire.

Thou the anointing Spirit art,

who dost thy sevenfold gifts impart.

Thy blessed unction from above

is comfort, life, and fire of love.

Enable with perpetual light

the dulness of our blinded sight

Anoint and cheer our soiled face

with the abundance of thy grace.

Keep far from foes, give peace at home:

where thou art guide, no ill can come.

Teach us to know the Father, Son,

and thee, of both, to be but One,

that through the ages all along,

this may be our endless song:

Praise to thy eternal merit,

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Specks, Logs, and a Father's Wife

For many years, I have struggled with the issue of judging. It seems like many of those around me are in the same boat whether they admit to it or not. The issue of judging has many different facets on a spectrum. At least, there is a spectrum in our current society. The spectrum ranges from those who are extremely judgmental, who are very vocal about speaking out against everything that is contrary to their opinion, viewpoint, or understanding. On the opposing spectrum, we find those who will not take any stance. Everything is completely relative. They tend to take the position of I am not going to pass judgment because if that works for someone else, then it is fine.

There does seem to be a common ground, however. Perhaps it is not common ground, but a common theme. Both sides want to use the Bible to justify there judgmentalism or lack thereof. If there is one thing that none Christians know about the Bible is that it says, "Do not judge..." Yet, I have encountered many followers of Jesus who would say the same thing. However, it usually is due to the fact that there is some behavior that they seek to justify within themselves. But to be fair, this is common to us all. We seek to find a way to justify our actions by using parts of the Bible to cover up other parts of the Bible that are shedding light on our darkness.

So what are we to say concerning the issue of judging? It would be easy to say, "We need to have a moderate approach. Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum". To be honest, this is what I would have said less than a year ago. I do not think that it is a wrong response. However, it is incomplete and leaves many slippery sides. Because to say that I am going to take a moderate approach means that there will always be a subjective element. For Scripture to shine in the darkness of our brokenness it must be objective. So I have been on a journey the last year trying to discover what the Scriptures have to say about judging. I only wish to deal with a couple of passages, though I will allude to many.

"Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbors eye, but not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)

Confession time. This passage (all five verses) has been incredibly difficult for me on so many levels. I have been on both sides of the spectrum that I described above. To be totally honest, I can hit both sides some days, which I feel is evidence to the fact that our broken nature tends to use the Scriptures how we want to in any given situation that best suits our needs. So let us ask God's Spirit to guide us through His Word with honesty and integrity.

"Do not judge me" is a phrase I here now more than ever. In a lot of ways it actually deters people for a while. But if you are going to only quote one verse out of the five at least quote the entire first verse: "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged". What is Jesus saying? Am I not supposed to call sin out? Paul does in 1 Corinthians 5, which is will deal with shortly. Jesus will continue to say a few verses later to "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves" (Matt. 7:15). How will we know a false prophet than by making a judgment? The pendulum seems to go to the right side thus far. But there is more to the passage.

Like almost all of Jesus' teachings He is trying to expose and turn upside down the way we have always thought and lived our lives, especially in relation to our neighbor. Jesus make statements all the time concerning the reciprocal nature our actions. For instance, Jesus says, "For if you forgive others, their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14-15). So what is the reciprocal nature is Jesus pointing out when addressing judging? As He says in verse two, "For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get." Essentially, Jesus is saying the more harsh the judgment, the more harshly you will be judged. Now the pendulum seems to go back to the left side. Well at least it does if you stop at verse 2.

Jesus wants us to come into the light of love. That lovely light exposes the parts that are not of Him. This is why Jesus says take an inward look at yourself and realize the log that is there. When we got so obsessed about what someone else is doing and whether or not they are following the rules the way we understand them, then we do not realize our log. If nothing else, our desire to be God's police is a sign we do not see log in our own eye. That arrogance is in fact the log.

Nonetheless, Jesus says to take the log out of our own eye first. Why? Because when we deal with our own issues honestly, we soon come to realize that we are "just a beggar trying to tell other beggars where to find food" as an old preacher once said. Our attitude changes. Our motives change. You see, if we are honest, what we are doing when we pass judgment on someone without removing our own log in a truthful way, is that we truly begin to raise ourself to the position of Judge. Not only does this mean that we are attempting to remove Jesus from this seat, because we are suggesting that we can do a better job, but we are also oppressing the one who we are judging which is essentially questioning their salvation. Do you see it? This is why Jesus says that if you judge this way, you are not going to like it when, I, the true Judge, use that same measure to judge you.

When we remove, or should I say the Holy Spirit removes, we see "clearly" so that we can take the speck out of our neighbor's eye. When we see clearly, our motivations change. We forgive because we have been forgiven as Paul admonishes the Colossian Christians (Col. 3:13).

So let us look at another example. Paul is Corinthians 5 addresses an issue of sexual immorality of a member with his father's wife. Paul says, "I have already passed judgment on the one who did this" (1 Cor. 5:3). We can only assume that Paul has removed all logs from his eyes in order to see clearly. However, his judgement seems harsh. Paul wants him to be removed from the church and even to "hand this man over to Satan" (v. 5). That is difficult. Church discipline is difficult then and it is now. But let us not move too quickly from this command. Like I said earlier, when we see clearly, our motivations change. Paul is upset, no doubt. He is even more upset with the church for being proud of it. However, look at the reason that Paul says to "hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful man MAY BE DESTROYED and his SPIRIT SAVED on the day of the Lord. Paul's motivation is ultimately restoration, even if it is not in this lifetime. I do not fully understand what Paul is saying, but His finally motivation seems to be clear, salvation.

If we continue in 1 Corinthians 5 we continue to see Paul admonishing the people not to associate themselves with certain kind of people that are willfully living in sin. However, he qualifies this group as those who call themselves "a brother" (v. 11)

Paul continues and gives us a huge point of clarity that will ultimately lead us back to Jesus. Paul says, "What business is it mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside." (vv. 12-13a). So we are to judge those inside the church. However, we are to do it with restoration in mind. Not all situations require a separation. In fact, I would think most would not. We are, however, required to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" according to Jesus in Matthew 10:16. So what can be said? What is the pendulum?

Well if we are still focused on the pendulum, then we have not heard the council of the Scriptures. It just looks differently, than our current categories. So what can we conclude?

-Jesus is the judge. We are not to take the seat that belongs to Him.

-It is never our position to say who is saved and who is not. That is Jesus job.

-We are called to be discerning

-We are called to take a closer look at the log in our eye first

-We know we see clearly because our motivation will be restoration, not condemnation

-Our hearts will break for brothers and sisters, and will take no joy in their being found out

May we come to have our hearts broken for the sin in our lives and realize the greatness of the restoration provided through Jesus. May we be so humble to be used by Him, when prompted by the Holy Spirit, to be agents of that restorative grace in situations when a brother or sister has fallen.

"Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful" (Col. 3:14-15).

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Amen.

The Greatest of These is Love...Can it be True?

I am not sure why I feel like I can write about love. Truth be told, I do not think that I am qualified to write about love. If there is one thing that I have learned lately, it is that the fact that "I knew it all" in my teens and early twenties is proving to be nothing more than a pile of rocks at best. To truly see love displayed one only needs to look at a couples' wrinkled hands after 70 years of marriage. To see hear him call her "hunny bun" and her call him "good-lookin". Now that is love and no words need to be written about it, because their display resonates on its own without amplification of words.

No I am not qualified to expound the depths of love. However, to be a follower of Christ I am called to learn what love looks like. To affirm it wherever it may present itself. To remain present to the One that loves me. My thoughts that follow are merely from the perspective of a young husband and ever growing follower of Christ who can only see, dream, and speak of such things only by faith. For you see, it is only by faith that one can love.

I have been in a whirlwind lately. So many things seem to be directly in my vision. I feel the pain and sorrow of Haiti and Chile. I join in the celebration of 70 years of marriage for a dear friends grandparents, while joining in the sadness of the good byes that will be coming soon. I can barely hold back the tears at the thought of loosing your spouse after 70 years. I am overwhelmed with the constant reminder and love with the birth of the daughter I always wanted, while praying for the protection of our future son in Africa whether born yet or not. To hold your daughter in one hand with tears of thanksgiving, while crying those tears of sorrow because your son is not at home where he should be is not easy to do. Elizabeth and I have no idea who this boy is. We know he is in Africa. He may or may not be born, but it does not matter. God has tattooed this boy on our heart much like God engraved the names of the children of Israel on His hand (Isaiah 49).

What is it that enables this kind of response? What is this force that moves tears of joy and longing? What causes a mother to thank God for the protection of one son in war, while standing next to the casket of her other son? What drives a father to throw a party for their prodigal son? What moves a man to tend to the aid of a man beaten and left for dead? What motivates a deity to die as a sacrifice for all sins ever committed? What energy pulsates through a lifeless body to bring about resurrection? What breath will bring about the restoration and renewal of all things in a glorious new creation?

Love. Can it be true?

We kick the thought of love around like aimlessly kicking a rock down the sidewalk. All the while, we rarely stopped to realize the rock we are kicking is actually a precious diamond.

Should I be surprised that love is what animates the Kingdom of God? It was right there with Jesus quoting the Shema from Deuteronomy 6: "Jesus answered 'The first is, 'Hear, O Israel the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, ' Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31). Why have I missed it for so long? I think I have been afraid.

Maybe I was afraid of being loved in return? Or maybe afraid of having to love without being loved? These are contributors. However, I suppose I was afraid of not believing the right thing, if I started focusing more on loving and less on theology. I am not downing theology, and if anyone knows me they understand how I value good biblical theology. Theology must be put in its proper place, which is in submission to love. Paul does this very thing as almost as a reminder: "If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing" (1 Cor. 13:1-2).

Love is difficult to write about without sounding ethereal. For goodness sakes read some of the writers from the romantic period. Though, not always writing about love, they always seem to be coming up short in terms of living it out. You see, it is easy to speak of love and never actually do it. I have learned this. You can be able to describe the mystery of it all, while never tasting it. This is precisely what the existentialist philosopher Soren Kierkegaard did. In one of his works, whose title alludes me at the moment, describes in words how much love he has for this woman. It is absolutely breath-taking writing it parts. It is much like the melody life of a Mozart concerto. However, Kierkegaard is never able to actually love this woman because he spent his whole life thinking and analyzing what love is and should be to the point that he was unable to love at all. May this never be said of us.

This was said of me just months ago. I can make things much more complex than they are. To describe what love is can drive a man insane. But to describe what it looks like is another story. Paul is helpful as always on this point: "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (1 Cor. !3:4-7).

When we find ourselves being patient for no reason, we are loving. When we are being kind despite the situation, we are loving. I think we can say it this way, when we look like Jesus to those closets to us, as well as, to the world, we are loving.

Two final examples to finish. The first is Scripture. It was read at Elizabeth and I's wedding. Ruth says to Naomi, "For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. My the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you" (Ruth 1:16-17). This kind of love is what makes a marriage last 70 years. Both parties put themselves under submission to it and to each other. The best man in my wedding describes a loving marriage as a couple that finishes the race holding hands. May we never stop handing holding hands and realizing the One who is holding us in His hand.

Lastly, an example of loving God. A singer/songwriter named Ginny Owens has one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard. It is much like Norah Jones and Sarah Mclachlan. She has a song entitled, "If You Want Me To". Essentially, the theme of the song is because she has been loved so much by God, she will do what He asks. The final verse of the song goes like this:

Cuz when I cross over Jordan

Gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You

And I will walk through the valley

if You want me to

Ginny Owens is blind. She has never seen anything. She understands the love of God in ways I cannot understand. The first thing that she will ever see is Jesus. And by faith she says she will "see" He never let her down. That is love. To choose to be patient and kind, not be irritable or resentful, to endure this and so much more, that is love. I am sure she does not wake up every morning and decide to Love the Lord with everything she has, let alone her neighbor. But by faith she does, because she has "seen" what love is.

Love cannot be bound by this world. It transcends physical realities. It cannot be captured in word or song. Love is the outflow of the Holy Spirit into this world.

May we come to experience by faith the love of God. And in the Spirit of that same faith take this love to a world that so desperately needs to see it. May we see that love is patient response, the kind word, the rejoicing with others success, the humility in exaltation, the refusal to do the anything but that which is carries the banner of truth. May we see the importance of faith, the necessity of hope, and the all-surpassing power of love!

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Halfway Through Lent and Already Experiencing Easter

Grace and Peace!

Well Sophia Noel McGowan is officially three months old today. She is growing day by day and is becoming more and more the person that God created her to be. Her reactions are more distinct. Her smiles are bigger than ever. Her personality is shinning through more than we could have imagined. She has really caught us by surprise. Neither Elizabeth nor I are morning people. Sophie, on the other hand, is most definitely a morning girl. She is so happy and will crack a smile that will make the most hard hearted person be reduced to a child once again. I am not just saying that because she is my daughter. It is just true. Ask anyone. Well I will quit bragging, but I love her. But to be honest, I hope this morning girl bit does not continue into toddler years, because I will be too tired to enjoy it. Well who am I kidding. If she smiles at me that is enough energy for me to run a marathon. OK, I am really done bragging on her. SOPHIE IS AWESOME!!!! For real, more serious things...

Not only is Sophie three months old, but we are also smack dab during the liturgical season of Lent. Lent comes from a Latin word that simply means "40". Lent is the 40 days prior to Easter with a movement towards to the cross. It is a reflective season. It is rightfully perceived to be a dark season, which is understandable, because all "alleluia" have been omitted from the liturgy. This 40 day period is to remember Christ 40 days in the wilderness to fast and be tempted. This is why many who follow the liturgical calendar tend to fast from something. Last year, I gave up soda. I was mildly successful. But to be honest I just chose to give up soda because I heard that is common, but I also heard you can lose a lot of weight just by giving them up, which I lost about 15 pounds. So Lent was effective physically for me last year, but not Spiritually or mentally.

Fasting during Lent is ultimately rooted darkness. When we go without something that is a part of our daily lives it can seem traumatic. In many cases it can make you feel lonely. For instance, what if you gave up facebook for 40 days. For 40 days you were not able to see someone's status updates, view recent pictures, first discover if they were in a relationship (because we all know facebook makes it official). Of course you call always call. Hopefully you see them at some point. But I can imagine a strange sense of loneliness might occur. Maybe you call it being out of the loop, but let's be honest. Being out of the loop is lonely. It is a form of darkness.

I have not know many people to have fasted from food for 40 days like Jesus. To top it all off he did it by Himself in the wilderness. The Gospel accounts have Jesus immediately going to the wilderness following his Baptism. That breath-taking scene where the Holy Spirit descends on Him like a dove and God's announcement that this is His beloved Son on whom His favor rests. Amazingly, powerful story! All these people are around who have come to be Baptized by John, those who came to criticize, and probably those who were just curious about this crazy guy dressed in animal skins. Great scene. Great moment. Great publicity. Great glory. But then Jesus goes to be alone to fast and be tempted? Definitely not the way I would have written the story of my life.

Jesus leaves people for loneliness. He leaves food for temptation. He leaves the light of publicity for darkness. This will not be the last time He will enter the darkness. But before Jesus can finish His story triumphantly, He must begin it humbly. The ultimate act of humility by a deity, Jesus became a man. Not just a man, a baby boy. A boy held and nursed by a woman. God Himself, nursed by a woman! (That should rock our core to think of how women should be prized in our own day, instead of being pushed quietly to the side in Church). Continuing, Jesus grows up in wisdom and stature. His story continues to build and He is Baptized, then drops off stage. Just a side note, but have you ever noticed how Jesus does this. Something big happens to were followers are being multiplied and then Jesus steps off stage. He is always shining in the spot light and then He steps back into the darkness. You see Him going off to a quiet place to pray. Jesus is giving us a model.

When Jesus is fasting and being tempted, He is entering the dark places. The dark places are the places that many of us do not want to go. The dark place is where no lie can be told to cover it up. It is the place where hard questions are asked. It is the place where our brokenness is so evident that our only conclusion is that we cannot do it on our own. It is the last place where we think God would be.

Do not forget that while Jesus was fully God. He was also fully man. I cannot fully wrap my mind around how that works, but Jesus, the man, was tempted in the in His darkest places. Now, keep in mind, the dark places does not necessarily convey sin. It can be the place where sin, is most likely to creep in. I know that I am close to sounding heretical, but just stay with me. Jesus is tempted with food, protection, and taking another way out. These are the places that sin could have taken root and the entire plan of God would have been thwarted.

Being led by the Spirit, Jesus knew he would have to survive on Spiritual food for 40 days.

When faced with proving that He was protected, Jesus knew the Father's protection cannot be calculated in purely physical terms. For Jesus was already looking to the cross, where He would die. For those three days, we do not see the Father's protection. It is only when He steps out of the grave that we see His protection was always there. Resurrection is both physical and Spiritual. The two are one in the same. Jesus knew that and to put that on the line by throwing Himself off the temple to prove protection would only minimize the Father, not magnify.

Thirdly, Jesus was tempted with taking another path. We know this was a dark place for Jesus. We only need to look at Jesus in the garden (lonely) and at night (darkness) praying for the cup to be taken from Him. He would not take another way out, no matter how badly he wanted to. This story of Jesus in the wilderness is only 11 verses in Matthew's Gospel so we can read it too quickly. And I do not want to re-write Scripture, but remember this is 40 days. If Jesus prays for an hour three separate times to not go to the cross, I think it is safe to say this temptation may have had that little extra shine to it that makes you want to think twice about it.

This is our Lord. This is Lent. It is going into the dark places to meet God. I believe that, unlike Jesus, most of our dark places has sin present. We do not want to go there. We want to go to church in hopes that we can feel as if we have earned enough points to put off dealing with it another week. And the vicious cycle continues, until we have come to live our live almost oblivious to it.

God is calling us to go to the dark places because that is where He is. Jonah is told to go to Nineveh. Nineveh was a place of evil people that worshipped idols and historical did heinous things. Instead Jonah goes to Tarshish, which is literally the modern day equivalent of Maui. Beautiful landscape, great weather, everyone has a smile on there face. If there is one place you could experience God's presence it would be Maui, or Tarshish in Jonah's case, correct? But it wasn't. We often use the illustration to God is walking a head of us into our situations to prepare our way. You see, Jonah fled to Tarshish, to flee from the Lord (Jonah 1:3). The implication is that God was already in Nineveh. It seems so backwards. But as Jesus shows, God is in the dark places and He meets us there. Do not forget Nicodemus coming to meet Jesus at night. John gives us this detail for a reason.

Jesus is willing to meet us in the darkness, because He went into the darkness. When darkness had covered the earth and Jesus cried "It is finished" the earth shook because the powers of darkness began to tremble because the Jesus had paid the debt, took our place, bore our shame, and took our death into His own dark tomb and destroyed its power over us by bursting forth his marvelous light from a tomb of our darkness to inaugurate His Kingdom and new creation!

Yes the implications stretch into our future day of resurrection, but can take root in us now, if we are willing to follow the Holy Spirit's voice into our dark place to discover that Jesus is there. Peter writes it this way, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" (1 Peter 1:3). The hope we have is not simply future, but it is a living hope for today. If it is not for today, then go eat, drink, and be merry. But if it is for today, then start living in it by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Ask the hard questions. What is hindering my faith from growing? How am I using "religious" activities to avoid transformation? What do I need to give up? What do I need to start doing?

It is sometimes easy to ask the questions. But it is always hard to hear the answer, which is another way of being honest with yourself that you do need help. Going into the dark places is the most terrifying thing in the world. But if we say God is love (1 John 4:8), then where God is, love is present. We often believe that the opposite of love is hate, but really the opposite of love is fear. This is why John continues to say, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18).

So may we go into the heart of the darkness of our own lives to discover that Jesus is there and His transforming love has stripped away the fear so that we can here and now embrace our living hope through the resurrected Christ.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen!

Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, and Sophia

It has been awhile since I have written down some of my thoughts. To be honest, my life and consequently my thoughts have been so busy and quiet overwhelming that I have not had to much time to process. However, in my apparent laziness, it has been due to the fact that each individual thought and experience has been intricately connected to a larger realization.

As my journey of life has progressed and my deepening appreciation for the Anglican tradition that I have found myself in, I have come to realize that there is a flow and rhythm to life. Many of our man made traditions can get in the way of our experience and relationship with the Triune God. However, one of the many traditions that Anglicans (and many other Christian sects for that matter) is the Liturgical Calendar. The calendar has a rhythm of seasons which is meant to aid the Church in its reflection, repentance, and mission.

Essentially the life of the church is centered around Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Passion, Easter, and Pentecost. Following Easter is the season of ordinary time which essentially can be summed up by the book of James. Ordinary time continues until December which starts the Advent season. The first two weeks of Advent focus on the second return of Christ. The third and fourth week focus on Jesus anticpated first coming as a baby. The season of Christmas lasts for 12 days starting with December 25th in which the focus is on Jesus came and in the form of man and dwelt among us. The season of Epiphany follows with the central question; now that Jesus has come, what does it mean. Essentially, this God steps from eternity into our existence to begin the process of establishing His Kingdom under which there is good news of healing, forgiveness, redemption, atoning, intimacy, and victory. As John puts it in the language of Light coming into the world. So what does it look like for the Light to shine in the darkness, and what does it mean for us who follow that Light and are used to be agents of light.

So what does this have to do with me? Well I have mentioned before that I have been in a season of confession. I do not mean to suggest that I have moved on. I only mean that I beginning to add the repentance and penance to my confession. In the same way that I have been in a season of confession, I have been in a season of Advent for the better part of two years I feel. In the past two years, God has seemed distant and unapproachable. To make matters worse, I have felt that I was distant and unapproachable from God's perspective. I lived in a state of life similar to the relationship of two magnets with the same charge. Each side is constantly pushing the other side away.

I had been hurt by some key people in my life who bore the same title of "Christian" that I bore. I made the horrible mistake of blaming God for what His people were doing to me and my wife. Frustration has a way of causing us misplace to blame. Living with an unforgiving heart causes us to throw the baby out with the bath water. It was not God that hurt me it was a few people. It was not even a church that hurt me, it was individuals, not God. Granted there were and still are some questions of "why", but I am willing to listen instead of just complain. You see, with holding forgiveness in a situation where wounds have been made is like holding open a wound and pouring dirt in it. It only makes the situation worse. Healing will never take place until the wounds are cleaned properly, which is the forgiveness. And when the cleansing happens the actually healing takes place with the love of the One who has loved us with an everlasting love.

It has been a little more than a year that I have been apart of an Anglican community. I have met some great friends that love and encourage Elizabeth and I. Even in times of our stubbornness they give us the loving push off the diving board in the pool of God's grace. For the past two years I have been searching. Searching for my Beloved, much like the woman in the Song of Solomon. I had been hurt and felt like God was no where. He did not want anything to do with me or I with Him. However, there was still a longing in the deepest and truest parts of my soul that wanted His appearing, His Advent.

I began to see glimpses of my Beloved in the love of dear friends and the Eucharist. We first attended Apostles at the start of Advent, which started this life season for me. I never left that season. I was looking for the silence to be broken, and the darkness to be shattered by light. We always say in jest, "The Lord works in mysterious ways". I always hated saying that, mostly out of fear that it was true. But I believe He does.

In May, my wife told me we were having a baby. It appears that God has no regard for a 99% effective rating for birth control. But God began to use the expectation of my daughter to mirror my expectation of Him. The Advent of my daughter would be the Advent of my Beloved. As it turned out my Beloved came as a baby. The thoughts off love blew my heart wide open. How could God love me and desire me before I was even born? I understood, because I never saw Sophie. Even before she kicked my face for the first time through Elizabeth's belly, I loved her. It made no sense but I did and nothing was going to change that. God loves me and nothing is going to change that. I am broken to the core of my being, but he wants to put me back together. I am beginning to understand now as much as I can in my finitude how much He loves. And not only that He loves me, but He loves everyone! Just as Sophie has some of me in her, I and everyone that has ever been knit together has the Father's fingerprint on them and He loves them.

Historically, there were said to be four hundred some years of silence. God kept his mouth shut. Sure He continued to watch and reveal Himself through creation, but no Word. No life giving Word. With each passing breeze, the reminder of Him was there. However, it quickly became not a reminder of hope, but a reminder of what once was. I only had to wait nine months for my Christmas. But the world waited 400 years.

Isn't it interesting how the Light appeared? How the Word began to speak? I love the words of Chris Tomlin...

"What fear we felt in the silent age

Four-hundred years can He be found

But broken by a baby's cry

rejoice in the hallowed manger ground"

Silence broken by a baby's cry. This is how God works. The word in both Hebrew and Greek for Spirit, also means wind and breath. In Exodus 3 God reveals His name to Moses. Essentially, it is four Hebrew letters that are basically breath sounds. To this day we still do not know how to pronounce it correctly. But to say the name of God is like breathing. We breath because cause gives life. He breathes his life into the dirt and Adam gets up. Each baby must breath or they die. Everything about us is dependent on the Father's love.

So for four hundred years no Word has been spoken. Instead of coming on the scene with a shout. Jesus, the Word, enters the world and breaks the silence by speaking HIs first Word in the flesh, which was the Father's name. And Jesus, the incarnate Word became flesh and pitched His tent among us.

Jesus was always there. His tent was next to mine and I did not want to let Him in. I was looking for my Beloved in the far off lands, but the whole time He was right beside me. He alone can enter my life and knit back together what was destroyed by my sin. Not only mine, but all who come to realize He broke the silence, bridged the gap, and made a way. The only response to this realization is confession, repentance, and penance. It is not a new law, but response of someone whose experiences Christmas. Not Christmas as in December 25th, but Christmas in the truest meaning of Christ's coming to take away the sins of the world.

I am thankful for the Liturgical Calendar because it keeps us moving forward. Epiphany, as I mentioned before, raises questions of "So now what?" In short we learn to follow Christ. In every day life, we mimic Jesus. We are rays of light, salt to the world, proclaimers of hope, agents of peace and restoration, and bringers of love.

This is an everyday thing. But I believe we all have a special calling to which God's poem of our lives fit perfectly in this world. It is this place that I am at now. Frederick Buechner once said, "Where the world's greatest need, and your greatest joy intersect, that is what you are called to do". What is my call? What is your call? It is a good question. But a better question is "Do you know how loved we really are"?

On December 16th Sophia Noel McGowan was born. Sophia means wisdom in Greek. Elizabeth and I have been praying for wisdom for a while, who would have known it would come in the form of a little girl. God does work in mysterious ways. I pray that we will grow in wisdom in the coming months and years. I especially pray that this gift of a daughter Sophia Noel will remind us both to continue to pray for wisdom and remember the first time we truly experienced Christmas.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen